KEVIN, A Beautiful Train Wreck
If I had to write something that encapsulate my experiences and myself: beautiful train wreck. I am a mouthful of indecisiveness, a reality that would kill to be just imaginary. There were days in which I would be stuck in bed, refusing to gaze at the happy sun and the morning lights that made the hardwood floor smile. In my head, countless of scenarios would be playing. Either I felt sorry or plagued by tyranny. There are times I would roll over in sadness’s ecstasy. Have you ever felt that? No blood rush, no sugar high, just plain dullness and silence. It’s marvelous. But then it becomes annoying when the voices in your head get louder, the screams you can’t ignore, your heart gloating of weariness. Then it all stops. I get up.
“I have to get ready for work.” Work in question is a dozy. A place that drains, a boss that pretends to be social but flinches at the thought of friendship. I see it all the time. His body language is a book, an exposition of written cues. I do the same thing all the time, 5 days a week, for a total of 6o hrs. You live in an expensive city, you sign a contract between your soul and incessant duty calls, boring e-mails and also coworkers’ daily lamentations. Like I have my own shit. I don’t need to hear yours. Talk of your puppy or how you’ve been a decent human being. Uplift my spirits, assholes.
It’s completely inconsiderate of me to demand happiness from my peers, or my boyfriend for that matter. Oh yeah I manage to have a relationship. It’s my sixth one in two months, hey who’s keeping tabs? His name is Joel. Blond, green eyed, chubby physic that I like, personality that I admire. Well needless to say he can get on my last damn nerves. Last night I wanted to have sex but he closed me out. It has been for a week now so I started wondering if my black average body still brimmed the passion of our first night stand. Are my lips no longer “écarlate” as he said that night with a broken French accent? I was like “…the fuck this means?” He felt rather coy but in a Superman motion, he walked towards me with his nerdy disposition and surprisingly pressed his rugged mouth on mine. Impressed, tenderness and roughness flowed in a symphonic ambiance that has been stuck on my mind ever since.
Now here I was hard, moist, next to him instead he was dry. This part is best explained in a play-like fashion:
(Scene 1, Final Act)
[ After long hours working, Kevin was looking forward to see Joel. It has been two weeks since he hasn’t been penetrated and he started feeling wary. He thought that maybe Joel had a lover but then he remembered of his own nature: Insecurity and overthinking.]
(Kevin enters the sweet cozy room of Joel’s apartment. Joel’s face was not very pleasant to the eyes but Kevin loved seeing his melancholy for a little while. It reminded him of his humanity.)
Joel: It’s not about you, Kevin, it’s me. I am depressed.
Kevin: Oh yeah right. So maybe if you fucked me, depression would go into oblivion.
J: You know that’s not how it works.
K: So you’re assuming that I am quite smart about this.
J: Well you should. You majored in Psychology.
K: And..
J: For Christ sake, you know the subject and you know that having sex won’t help me right now.
K: So what would help Jo? Tell me. Reading Shakespeare? Confronting the human psyche levels with Freud, the pervert? Ask what your favorite food is? My need is simple. I want you in me. I haven’t for two weeks now and it’s driving me crazy. See your depression is driving me insane.
J: We can stop being this
K: well…wait a minute what’s that?
[Enters the cat, Riley]
K: since when there’s a cat here and why is he staring at me like he wants to enter my soul, claim his prize through the cold river inside me?
J: Riley has been rescued. He’s charming right?
K: I thought I was
J: clearly you’re being a dick here.
K: nope the thing is I want dick. It’s not a dick thing to want or desire dick.
J: I can’t give you mine.
[ Kevin, in a dramatic gesture, leaves the bed, pick up his stuffs, screams at Riley and Joel philosophically.]
K: Listen I can’t do this. I am yelling at a cat and yourself with a hard on and no pants on. If that doesn’t turn you on then nothing else will.
J: Oh yeah let me have you now. With that thing swinging like there’s no tomorrow.
K: oh don’t pretend you don’t like that thing now. We both know how insatiable you can get.
J: Kevin, please baby I’m tired
K: I am tired and horny. Will you give it to me tomorrow then?
J: Yes, I will. I’ll shake the demon off. I’ll just burst into your body whether that leads to happiness or sex or triviality.
K: Hey at least I can provide sex and happiness. But what if there’s no tomorrow Jo? What if we all die right now from a nuclear missile or the current president’s obsession with “winning all the time” and “Western values?”
J: Now you’re adding politics on top of my depression. You surely can’t stop impressing me.
K: you know boo. I do my best.
J: The problem is men and women with a illusory sense of grandeur. Someone should remind them that we ain’t shit. Earth in itself can swallow us all in less than 30 seconds for our stupid human arrogance. Your money or social strata won’t save you.
K: the rich don’t give a shit Jo. Do you think if we were part of the 1% we would care as much? Some people care but it’s not enough. Most of us are trying to reach the 1% world without realizing that the ship has sailed, long time ago. It’s a monarchy in disguise, a failed democracy dirtied by a vicious capitalistic ideology.
J: Ah I love you Kevin. That’s the only thing that keeps me here.
K: Oh please Joel, you should fall asleep before I start wondering why we aren’t having sex right now
I fully woke up next to Joel, naked and fully satisfied. He did it swell this morning, an hour ago, as promised. I have no complaints. I can smile now. My insides have been fed. I also remembered that it was Saturday morning and I can lie next to him for a little while before I get up to make coffee. Sure he loves my coffee and many other tricks I have. I guess one would want me to finish this on a happy note but once I get home, I’ll be sad thinking of Monday already, thinking of reality, thinking of my body leaving Joel’s enclave. Beautiful train wreck, yes I am.
